Breathing is for sissies

I thought I was all set up to have a great night of Friday racing. I caught up on all my desperately needed sleep the past 2 days, and even played hookie Friday so that I could sleep in and relax for once. I was rested, hydrated, fed, got my vitamin dope the day before....what could be better?

10 Lap Tempo - One big sprint into the race and my tongue doubles in size and my entire mouth is swollen and I can't breathe. I watch the entire pack swoop by me as I try to keep pedaling and freaking out at the same time. The rest of the race I watch them string out from the other side of the track. 8 laps in I mercifully get lapped and pull the fuck out.

First intermission - Meltdown #1. My life is over. I'm selling all my shit. I have no idea what just happened to me. Being blown off the back in front of hundreds of people is not my idea fun. Having my whole mouth swell up is not my idea of fun.

Miss n' Out - Too stubborn to drop out just yet, I make it about halfway through the race by sprinting around the pack up-track. The paced is manageable enough that my mouth isn't quite as swollen any more but I feel like I'm breathing shards of glass.

Second intermission - Meltdown #2. I'm afraid that I'm allergic to my inhaler and I'll never make it out to race again. No one around me can explain what might be happening so of course I fear the worst. I finally summon the courage to go talk to Kenny without having a meltdown in front of him. Within seconds he explains that the hot dry air is sucking all the moisture out of my mouth and lungs and that I need to stick a piece of gum up in my mouth during the race and it will all be good.

J: "But I've never had this happen before."
K: "Well you just did."
J: "But it's never happened before."
K: "But it just did."
J: "But it didn't happen on Wed or ever before."
K: "You weren't exerting yourself under these conditions before."
J: "Yes I was."
K: "No you weren't."
J: "But it's not really that dry out. It's Seattle. There's still humidity in the air."
K: "Yes it is really dry tonight. Trust me. It happens to me all the time. Try it in this last race and we'll go from there."
J: "I'm tired of getting old."

So Kenny gives me a piece of gum and I go along my way questioning whether this old wives tale will keep me from being humiliated yet again.

4x5 - I tell myself that I'll try 5 laps and if I can't breathe I'll drop out. Miraculously, the gum I'm playing with in my cheek is keeping my mouth from drying out and I can breathe and actually stick with the pack and even chase down some attacks. I finish the race with everyone else, minus any points, but my faith somewhat restored. I find Kenny right after and ask him if anyone's told him that he actually knows what he's talking about. John Hanson is within earshot and cracks up. Kenny smiles and pats me on the head. I end the night a little smarter.

Sprint Mania!

Last night was the first Sprint Mania event. Groups of 3 riders, seeded by previous 200m times, did three 2-lap heats over the course of the evening. I was SO excited to finally participate! I'd been waiting 2 years and now I was actually able to race. I had an idea of how a sprint race was supposed to work. Jane and I have been "playing reindeer games" on Sundays when we get bored with our regular workout. It's a total blast to psyche out your competitor or find ways to hide and get the jump on them.

They let the really fast guys go out first so we all sat around watching their tactics and listening to Bilko scream from the infield "GOOOOOO!!! GOOOOOO!!!!" whenever he saw a perfect opportunity for someone to get the jump. It was even funnier because no one could hear him or knew what an opening they had so they'd just keep rolling around looking at each other, which made Bilko even more frustrated and animated.

In our first heat, I got up high and was going to let my 2 competitors make a jump so they could lead me out. There was a wicked headwind on the backstretch so I didn't think I could hold it the whole way. Lesson #1 - I hesitated just enough when they jumped so I missed their wheel and couldn't make up the ground and came in 3rd. Rats. Never again!

After watching another round of the other riders, it was very apparent that 9 times out of 10, the person who surprises the others keeps their lead and wins. So in my 2nd heat I led the others around crazy slow and kept an eye to see if they were planning anything and tried a few fakey moves. But the second time on Turn 1, I decided to surprise them and got the jump. I sprinted as hard as I could and never looked back, but about 10 meters from the finish, the guy in our heat started to come around me. Good enough for 2nd and if I'd been a bit stronger could have won it. My sneak attack was fun and seemed to work well.

Third heat - take no prisoners. Again I led them around super slow. I knew that I didn't have real sprinters with me so no need to give them an advantage by ramping up the speed. At Turn 4 one of them went, albeit a little too slowly and not with the best commitment, so we got on her wheel and let her pull us around. At the turn for the finish I went around the first two and just nipped Lara at the end. Finally!

It was a really fun night and we all learned a lot. This sprinting thing is a GAS! I'd much prefer a thinking, tactical, 800 meter game over a boring 40 mile road race any day. At some point I hit 32.2 mph. Gotta beef up the legs even more!

Mountain Angels

Blessed are the angels who volunteered yesterday to search for and recover the 3 men who disappeared in the Crystal Mountain backcountry this winter. My friend and coworker, Dave, lost his best friend Phil in this accident. Thank you for helping to bring peace to Dave and the other family members who lost their friends, sons, and lovers. You changed their lives forever yesterday. You found the lost souls and reunited them with their loved ones. I love you Zack and am so proud of you to have been part of such a gracious effort. May you all be safe, smart, and strong in your journeys to the mountains.

Balancing life is haaaaaaard

If you saw me race tonight, I totally sucked. Thanks for being a sport and cheering for me. This was the first anything that I've done in 3 weeks and the humiliation was only amplified by being awarded 4th place for the pre-season races in their little award show at the beginning of the night. Really! I used to be kinda good! Ok I did come out of the races with 2 Positives: helped Jane win a prime and held off Tamara for my own prime until that wiley Amara dove down over us to nip it from me. I'll keep my eye on that one.

But tonight my legs were mushy appendages of overcooked asparagus. I've lost all my power and felt like that 90" gear I owned so well in May was more like 190". At one anoxic point in the first race I literally looked down to see if a brake was rubbing on my rim. D'oh! Couldn't use that excuse.

I don't know how racers balance everything in their lives. Some are lucky and only have to focus on eating and training. Others even have kids. Throw in a job that takes you away and health issues and everything else that ticks off the minutes of the day and you're living your own Amazing Race from dawn til dusk (and after). I guess it's just one day at a time and do that best you can. It sucks that you can be so close to achieving that sense of balance and the universe aligns to make everything perfect, but then inevitable chaos intervenes shortly there after to humble your ass. Balance. Somehow. Some way. Some times.

Paula Remounts

What to do on a Friday morning instead of getting ready for work? Figure out your bike porn name! This should keep you entertained through the weekend.

It's June. It's cold and rainy.

I've been feeling mighty funky and un-momo-tivated to do anything since being in NH for work 2 weeks ago. Think I caught a little bug that's wrecked just enough havoc with my immune system to sap my energy and the Puget Sound region's March-like weather hasn't helped. Haven't done a decent workout in 3 weeks! And I get to go back to NH next week so that we can finish this LARP business and nuke Portsmouth Harbor so my race fitness will hardly improve. I'm wavering between continuing the quest to become healthy and strong and fast again and just throwing in the towel and drinking delicious Belgian beer every night and tooling around for the rest of my life on Kermit. So within reach.....

One definite major goal that I'm obsessed with is the Marymoor Little 100 this Saturday. I love bikes. I love costumes. I love racing bikes in costumes. Jane, Ed, Scott and I will be out to secure the Co-Ed and Best Costume Title. Not convinced? Oh you will be.

Because Hillary is DONE

I love the timing of the universe. I ordered 20 of these spokecards a few weeks ago from a nice person who was making them, and subsequently was sent 54 plus a handful of larger stickers. Let me know if you're interested in helping to unload them!

And Kermit makes 7!

I got one.

I'm one of the Geeks.

I'm now the owner of a bike that I never.....ever....ever....ever imagined I would ride.

The freak wagon.

The midget wheels.

The Thing with no top tube.

What the hell IS that?

A Bike Friday.

It's bright green and I've named him Kermit.

I travel quite a bit for work and I always try to take one of my bikes with me so I can get away from my co-workers and explore the surroundings. Dutch Harbor, Alaska, was one of the better places I've explored. My Fat Chance and I rode out to the local landfill at 11 o'clock at night to watch dozens of bald eagles snack on mounds of garbage in full daylight. While it's a liberating feeling to be able to ride around once I get there, it's a serious PITA (pain in the ass) to get a bike anywhere. I pack it up in the big monolith bike box, get charged $60-100 each way, huff it around the airport terminal, then rent a huge vehicle to cart the box to the hotel. It's to the point where the logistics are so expensive and such a PITA that it's not worth it to bring some two-wheeled fun along for the ride. I thought about S&S couplings, which run about $400, but didn't have a bike in hand to sacrifice to the gods.

Then, Zack and I were talking about taking the train more frequently between Seattle and Vancouver, BC, so I could live up there part-time next year and the idea of having a car-free commute between the 2 cities was idyllic. A folding bike would make the commute that much easier - just ride to the train, fold it up, enjoy the scenery for a few hours, then unfold and ride away. No need to box it up or worry if the train would have enough bike space. Take control of your lifestyle and just GO.

We researched folding bikes quite a bit. We quickly discounted many of the cheaper models that are made overseas because we want to support local businesses as much as possible. That quickly narrowed it down to Bike Friday, which is made down in Eugene, OR, and the company runs on wind power to boot. The bikes are also made of steel so we knew the bikes would be completely bomber. Plus if you know Zack and I, we are devoted fans of steel bikes. We crash and we get right back up.

As for what model, there are several to choose from. We leaned towards the more tour-worthy bikes since neither of us has a real touring bike. We didn't need anything sporty or light-weight or for off-roading (yes...they can do the Continental Divide Trail!), so that narrowed it down to the New World Tourist, their most popular touring folder. And while we're at it.....throw in some custom sizing, componentry, our own name plates and frame color, cook for a month and it's ready!

We got them this week and it's been nothing short of pure childish FUN. Zack already took his up to Vancouver on the train with great ease and has been rolling around up there, his bike folded up next to his bed. I rode mine to work once and did more Show n' Tell than I have since 3rd grade. I stopped by Herriott Sports and Russell nodded in sardonic approval of my "Geek Friday", then proceeded to do wheelies around the shop. Punk. I also took Kermit to the track to hang out during one of my workouts and he was quite the hit. Jane thinks that I should put my WSBA # and some aerobars on him and show up in full kit to the start of a TT. The look on those bike snobs would be PRICELESS.

The most popular question is "How does it ride?". You'd really be hard pressed to know that you're not on a regular touring bike while tooling around. I've found it really nimble and stable in turns and it climbs like a mountain goat. A 20 mile commute was as comfortable as my road bike. The gearing is much lower with the 20" wheels so it's a dream to be able to spin up hills for once!

I'm off to New Hampshire next week with Kermit in tow for our first little adventure. The first of many!

A perfect Bike Friday

Friday was Take Your Bike to Work Day, one of my favoritest days of the year. The city was one crazy biking bottleneck with 23,000 people getting into their summer commuting groove. It took me 90 minutes to get to work because of seeing lots of bike peeps I knew and just enjoying the fun. One of the highlights? Going over to take a picture of the BTW Banana and realizing that I KNEW the banana:

(That's one fine banana you got there Brian :)

After a day of commuting in the sun, it was time to head to the track! My Spidey-sense told me that the roadies who have been dominating our pre-season races would be melting in the heat at the Wenatchee stage race this weekend....and I was right! There were only 8 of us for the women's race, but it was all track all the time and by far the most fun night of the season. No worries about sketchy riding or cranking around at 30 m.p.h. like it's the U.S. National Crit Championships. You could feel the positive energy in the pack. Everyone was SO comfortable and confident because we knew each other and trusted everyone's skills. There was lots of strategy and track tactics, hard sprints for the points, and since we're lazy trackies, lots of slowing down to 10 m.p.h. after the sprints. It was laughable to a point because any other night with the roadies and we'd still be barfing up a lung after the sprints, but it was our night so we played by our rules and it felt damn good.

I'm delighted to say that I finally found my groove with this night of racing. Having these girls around me instantly brought me out of my shell. A few days earlier I was ready to sell all my stuff, but within a few laps I knew that my faith was renewed. I tried out some fun tactics, got screwed on others, and learned a ton. My fitness felt strong so I know I can go harder next week! I loved hurtling towards the finish of the very last race with some strange grunting noises coming from within and hearing Donna Smith scream "GOGOGOGOGOGO!!!" from the bleachers. She came up to me afterwards with a big smile and said, "You really had your GRRRRRR on!" Yes I did and it was AWESOME!

ISO: My groove

Raced tonight at the track. 14 women!!! Yay us!!

My energy was astoundingly awesome after getting 60 cc's of vitamin therapy earlier in the day. Yay doping on vitamins!

I was feeling mighty fine and put on a slightly bigger gear than last week, which should have given me the rocket boost I knew was in me. I had a game plan all in my head to take charge on certain laps and get points so that I could win those Babeland massage bars (prizes for pre-season ominum winners!), but then girls way faster and smarter than me showed up and put an end to that plan right away. Rats.

I tried to race smart, but once again it turned into more of me just surviving the blazing fast (for me) laps. I tried to stay towards the front of the pack, but then the line in the sprinter's lane would surge ahead and then I'd be stuck in the back. I tried staying down in the sprinter's lane to anticipate that wonderful surge, but then things got sketchy from riders above and I was too spooked to stay down there. BAH. Where's a girl to go?

More than anything though, I don't have my groove on yet. I'm discovering that I'm still racing extremely conservatively because I'm afraid of getting in a wreck and being on the S&I list yet again (even though it's much safer in a pack of people with no brakes!). I can't bring myself to being off the bike again and have developed an anxiety about being aggressive or assertive in the pack, that somehow being conservative will protect me from something bad happening. But with that anxiety comes riding more towards the back so that I can watch everything in front of me "thinking" that I'm in control, when it's actually far worse in that position.

The doctor will see you know.

I think that I just need to get a lot more races under my belt and I'll get that groove back. The confidence that I can own it again. It's been 2 years since any major form of racing so my pack instinct is rusty. I'll give myself a break and keep at it and I know that I'll have that groove back in no time.

The hairless guinea pig

Yesterday I donned my guinea pig costume so that my doc could begin experimenting with an I.V. drip for her chronically ill patients. She's learned about some exciting studies that show that giving patients frequent mega-doses of Vitamin C intravenously dramatically reduces their viral counts. When I mentioned this to a friend, she knew of a woman who did this treatment daily as an alternative to chemo and radiation and is now cancer free. Wow - pretty good company. The thought of killing this virus off for good and leading a somewhat normal life is just too good to be true. I also have a few friends with similar health issues who are following my progress with the hopes that it could help them, too.

So after a few months of training and ordering supplies, we finally began the experiment. My doc and her assistant organized all the hoses and tape, stabbed me good in the crook of my elbow (only spouting a few big drops of blood), and we watched the saline concoction drip drip drip down into my arm. Initially she was going to give me 25,000 units of Vit C (your stomach can absorb about 3000 units/day), but because they didn't know how I'd react they reduced it to half. It went pretty smoothly. I find that a junkie magazine like People does wonders for distracting you from an inch-long needle sticking in your vein.

Twenty minutes later I was all finished. She's not sure how long I'll do this procedure, but for now it will be once/week at the full dose. It's also not covered by insurance, so I'm hoping I'll only need it for a few weeks. I'll also continue the Meyers Cocktail shots that I've been getting this winter and spring, which are the only reason I'm as active as I am right now. They're mega-doses of Vitamin C, the B's, folic acid, zinc, and a few others that do an amazing job of boosting my energy since my body is so busy using these resources for fighting this virus that I'm not left with any more to do simple things like ride my bike. I've gotten a few of my other sick friends to get these shots and they've done wonders for getting them back on their bikes too!

A day after the I.V., however, I'm pretty wiped out. It's not too unexpected since my body is working overtime to knock out the virus and my liver is also being taxed expunging the toxins and dead carcases. It kinda sucks because I've had so much energy just from the shots, but now I'm at a crossroads about whether to continue the I.V. and hopefully knock out the virus, but continue to be wiped out for a month, or just go with the shots and hope that will be enough to get me through the season. Maybe doing both will allow me to still race and train and commute to work? But will that whack my body even more? No one knows. This is new territory.

Guinea pig oink oink.

By any other means

The universe is conspiring for me to not drive my Jeep any more. Witness:

Someone at work has been driving a Sparrow electric car the past month. It is absolutely EYE POPPING to see. You get out of your gas-guzzling car that you just filled up at $3.95/gallon and you feel like the biggest heel walking past this efficient machine (esp at a federal environmental agency). It even has dimples to make it slice through the air! They actually don't make the Sparrow anymore. They went bankrupt in 2003, but were bought by Myers Moters and are now made under the NmG (no more gas) name. Zero emissions. 76 mph. 30 mile range/charge. It has 6 cubic feet of space in the trunk for all the crap you'd ever buy during your daily errands.

I got a ride to the track last night in Tamara's Prius. While not totally off the gasoline grid, it's about as efficient an automobile as we have on the assembly line right now. Plus it fit 2 track bikes and gear in the back with the seats folded down. Spacious!

Jane just bought a super crazy cute Ducati Buddy scooter to zip around the city to her new job and errands and leave her Element at home. The Buddy has a 4-stroke engine and gets 100 mpg. She had to call and tell me that they have last year's model on closeout in PINK. I've always wanted a scooter to use when I just don't have the energy to ride to work or to do errands around town. But would I really ride it in the cold, dark, rainy winter? Probably not. And in the better weather I'm far more motivated to get on the bike. Maybe if my money tree starts budding it would be a nice addition to the stable. And maybe by then they'll have a solar powered scooter!

So tired....so good

Today I had my third track workout in 5 days (one being a race night actually). I could tell my legs were pretty whipped from this new repetitious intensity, but I dug in harder and made it hurt more. I've waited so long to have it hurt like this. The lactic acid searing through your legs, the top speed staring back at you from the computer display, the stratospheric ascent of your heart rate. It's like burning your hand with a candle to remind you that you're alive.

Tomorrow I go in for my first I.V. treatment to knock this virus so I want to give that bag something to really work on.

I'm on top of you, you little fuckers!

Friday night track!

Last night was the first of the "pre-season" track races. The pressure has been on for the women to show up to these 4 Fridays in May so that we can "prove" that we have the presence to be included in the summer Friday Night Racing schedule. Otherwise, the Cat 4 men get our slot. Do the spectators really NEED to see any more men in skinsuits on Friday? Can I get a HELL NO?

So last night we had 11 women racing! We had mostly Cat 3s and "elite" Cat 4s (as I call them), a Cat 2 and some other Cat 4s. It was an awesome evening and everyone was gushing on what a great group it was - lots of attacks, very challenging paces, safe riding, etc. Initially I thought, "Oh I'll just work on my spinning tonight," but that literally made me go no where fast. The first 2 races I was seriously undergeared and could not keep up with the other women when they surged forward. Of course during the race I thought it was just my lack of fitness, but when Zack told me after the 2nd race that I was bouncing like crazy on my bike I told him, "Put on the 15!!". Finally, with a decent gear under me I was able to accelerate and keep up much better in the 3rd race. It gave me a much better sense of where I am compared to the others and some faith that with proper training I'll be right up there.

Here's to a great season!

What's wrong with this picture

I feel like one lazy mofo after seeing pics of Zack's weekend adventure. My 90 minute race today seems pretty LAME compared to his weekend Spearhead Traverse, which begins at the top of Blackcomb Mountain and traverses the backcountry for 3 days until winding up at the top of Whistler. He got pristine backcountry runs and sunsets like this, I got two 480' cooling towers.

I want a new knee NOWWWWWWW!!!

Signs of progress

Four from our team drove down to Elma to race in the shadow of a deactivated nuclear power plant (in fact, it's the actual nuclear power plant that inspired Homer Simpson's vocation since Matt Groening went to Evergreen).

None of us had major expectations for the two 13 mile laps; it was being treated as a fun training race, esp after recovering from Walla Walla. I hung with the main pack the whole race during all the attacks, surges, and the first climb up the big hill, which was my one goal. On the second, final trip up the big hill I could feel my lack of hill training as the pack pulled away a few hundred feet from the finish and I had nothing to respond with. That was fine by me, I was getting "on the hill training" and quite satisfied to have hung with the main pack nearly the whole race. I crossed the finish line with a huge grin on my face, completely happy that I felt so good, blessed with putting another spring race under my belt.

My teammates were extremely happy to see me do so well staying with the main pack, pretty much what I did in Walla Walla (ok except for the being dropped in the road race part). They see sure signs of progress in my racing and all important recovery.

This week marks the 2 year anniversary of my battle with chronic fatigue and I really couldn't be happier with where I am. To have made it this far this year is monumental for me. It's one week at a time. Slow, but sure signs of progress.

Vitamin Deeeee-lightful!

Does it get any better than 70F and sunny in Seattle? (Well, yes I can think of a few better places...mmmmm....salt water.... but that's for another time.) I spent most of the day rolling around the track with friends and making up for lost time in the sun just lounging around afterwards. Sunburned lips? Check. Bike shorts tan lines? Check.

The track bike felt soooooooooo good under me! There is nothing like the feel of real track geometry to make you appreciate what FAST really means. Just sitting on it instantly propels you forward as fast as possible. Take away all the silly gears and brake doo-dads and glue on super skinny 19mm tires and you're set to hit light speed.

Not that I was anywhere near light speed today. It was just a fun time to get the legs spinning and do a final gear check before Tuesday's official, inaugural Kenny-Bot workout. My lazy days of Zone 2 are so over. And that's ok with me because track season is upon us and it's time to go FAST!!

I declare it officially SPRING!

Why? For many reasons, I say:

1) I got the first work email about putting together a team for the Bike to Work Month Challenge. May is Bike to Work Month and that = SPRING!!! Commuting is the easy part - now we have to think of a witty team name.

2) I got to ride into work this morning with Dave Hiller who never ceases to crack me up with his mix of cynicism and brilliant wit. The sun was shining and birds were chirping, so that meant a zillion MOMZ and their baby strollers on the Burke. He spent much of the ride quietly beoytching about them walking two abreast and told me about Asshole Dave's #1 Rule: If you don't have at least 6 punches in your punchcard from riding or walking outside in January, then you don't deserve to be outside on a nice spring day. Outta my way!

3) Springtime happy hour with my coworkers. Granted, we were inside a dark hole, but I got to ditch work early, ride in the warm sunshine to and from so that counts for something. And in addition to all the other random run-ins today, I saw Miss Michele looking mighty bodacious and fine with her friends and also enjoying the beautiful evening. I swear I'll go to my grave only being identified by the bicycle crap attached to my body.

4) Taking advantage of the warm weather and late sunset to finish the day's errands sans lights. Riding around town w/o looking like a spaceship reminds me of the careless days of being a kid when you weren't conscious of visibility or traffic rules, you just rode your bike to have fun and get around. More people need to embrace that. Bikes are not that complicated, people.

5) Watching dusk creep over the Ballard Bridge on the way home and turn the water different shades of blue and black with the loud hum of the cars vibrating around you. If you put your ear up to one of the metal beams it's like a thousand seashells calling your name. It's one of my favorite parts of living in this city.

Welcome, Spring, we've been waiting for you!

Stage races are HAAAAARD

Especially when you don't train for them! Somehow despite spending the past 5 months in Zone 2 with a handful of intervals thrown in I managed to finish the Walla Walla stage race this weekend. And when I say that I "finished", I mean not in epic form, but not DFL either. My performance was greatly effected by the cold, dry (!) weather and my nervousness, which led to my asthma acting up when the going got really tough. Of course, not training for this kind of insanity could have even more to do with it.....

With only 5ish hours of sleep the night before, the early morning TT was 7 miles of mental anguish, in which I quit riding and sold all of my bikes to begin a sedentary life of plant husbandry and chocolate devotion. But then the race ended, I took a nap in the car, and felt much better about living my existing lifestyle.

The road race was 38 miles of rolling hills and 2 big, long climbs. I managed to hang on to the crazy fast pack for about 20 miles, but just as I predicted when we pre-drove the course, I got popped on the rollers on the way back to Waitsburg. Hills and long tempos haven't exactly been on my training plan so I knew my legs and lungs would be shot by then. The pack was super strong so I'd start to get dropped on the uphill, then catch up on the downhill, but they never slowed down enough for me to bury myself in the middle, and with my asthma making me wheeze I didn't want to push it. Having an attack in the middle of nowhere was not on my list.

I was actually quite relieved to finally get popped. I slowed it down a bit, the stress disappeared, and I got to enjoy the wonderful scenery! The puffy clouds, the bright green wheat fields, the random horses and cows. I pretended that I was on a lovely tour of the French countryside.....only I couldn't stop by the side of the road to snack on bread and cheese. Damn. On the big climb back to Waitsburg I heard a small voice behind me say, "Jill B! It's Ellen! Jill B! It's Ellen!" It was like a little angel came up behind me. It was my teammate Ellen, who had also been dropped (there were many of us scavenging the countryside), so we rode together at an easy pace up the big hill and chatted. Towards the top we found our team's amazing support crew cheering for us and ringing their cowbells and encouraging us on. I almost fell over laughing as Jane ran up next to me ringing her cowbell. All she needed was a devil costume and pitchfork and she'd fit right in at The Tour.

Ellen and I were later joined by Amara, who also made the ride back to the finish much more fun. She'd gotten popped by the 1-2-3s, but being a crit and track specialist herself, she was just fine to get in some base miles. It was so great to know I wasn't the only trackie out there suffering! We finally hit the 3k climb up to the finish. Again, I predicted that I'd be in trouble because my cassette is a lowly 12-23 and the last thing my legs would want is to grind up this climb. But I did it. Slowly. My asthma was still restricting my breathing so I kept it a slow, methodical procession. It seemed like an hour later I made it to the top. Our whole team was up there cheering for everyone and I could finally stop pedaling, calm down my lungs, and relish in the ridiculous accomplishment.

The next morning was the crit - my first one! Somehow I'd managed to recover from the day before, and I figured that I could deal with 30 more minutes of pain. It turned into a really fun race with lots of turns that I managed to hold and no one went down! I did my best to hang with the pack, but again the cold air was effecting my lungs so I was wheezing hard after only 5 laps. I did a good job controlling my breathing, but it was enough for me to hang on. There would be no efforts to move up in the pack or epic sprint finished for me. I was at the tail end across the finish line, but I knew that many others had dropped and been pulled so I was thrilled that I managed to stay with the lead pack of 20-ish very fast girls. My teammates were extremely proud that I managed to hang and I have to admit so was I. Maybe I'll do better if I can breathe the next time?

All in all our team did great! Ali and Lori was absolutely amazing in their weekend accomplishments. They both stayed up front with the lead pack in the road race and took 8th and 12th! I'm SO PROUD of Ali for how well she's doing in this crazy new pursuit of hers. In the crit, they again stayed at the front and Lori took the win in a roaring sprint finish! Way to go girls!

For me, even better is that after the weekend my energy levels are really good and my body seems to have forgotten what I put it through this weekend. Hoooray for recovery!! And I have to give big loving thanks to The World's Greatest Boyfriend who was our team's lone Boy Wrench and put up living with 13 crazy women for 4 days. He's recovering by taking a well deserved ski trip to the mountains today. I love you, babe!

Catharsis

I hit my mental and physical wall this past Saturday night. I spent most of the day freaking out about what else I could give my body to quell its impending breakdown. Blue Box Tea? Organic beef? Sunshine? Jane's stash of Dragon Poo Tea? I was literally shaking from the anxiety that I couldn't control anything and that nothing was helping to turn my body around. I had a dream about racing at Boat Street (although it was me being at the start line with flat tires and I couldn't fix them in time so I watched everyone else race), but there was no way my body could perform without crashing my system for good.

Sitting in the sun at Qwest Field listening to the Dalai Lama did nothing to reduce my fears. I talked to Jane afterwards to get a report from the Volunteer Park crit, but that turned into talk about how I was feeling and the layers of a giant meltdown began to peal away. I could barely ride my bike the 5 miles home. My body weighed 300 pounds, my heart was heavy, my legs were encased in concrete.

When I got home, the full-on meltdown let loose as I collapsed on my bed. However, as I was bawling my eyes out and gasping for air, an epiphany came to me: these tears were for what I was so desperately afraid of losing with Zack. I realized that I'd been repressing all my feelings and concerns about where we are going together and when we'll finally live in the same city again and WHERE will we live and will I be away from everyone I know or will he elect to move to the mountains or desert and what about my job and when will our life together really begin and I'm tipping the age scales so will I ever be a mom? It all came bubbling out of the fountain of my face. I don't know how the poor guy understood a word I said, but being the Best Boyfriend in the Whole World, he listened and we talked as I mumbled and we talked some more and after a few hours we finally understood more of how much we mean to each other. It felt very, very, very good. I'll be washing the snot out of my pillows for the next month.

The next day, I slept in until 10 a.m., but woke up with more energy than I'd had in a month. I didn't feel any desperation for special tea or mass quantities of iron. I couldn't believe how wonderful I felt, but it shouldn't be that shocking. Stress and depression are the leading causes of disease. I'm glad I worked it out this time. We went out for a fun ride in the rain and I felt GREAT and I began to plan my adventure at Walla Walla this weekend. Game on!!