Catharsis

I hit my mental and physical wall this past Saturday night. I spent most of the day freaking out about what else I could give my body to quell its impending breakdown. Blue Box Tea? Organic beef? Sunshine? Jane's stash of Dragon Poo Tea? I was literally shaking from the anxiety that I couldn't control anything and that nothing was helping to turn my body around. I had a dream about racing at Boat Street (although it was me being at the start line with flat tires and I couldn't fix them in time so I watched everyone else race), but there was no way my body could perform without crashing my system for good.

Sitting in the sun at Qwest Field listening to the Dalai Lama did nothing to reduce my fears. I talked to Jane afterwards to get a report from the Volunteer Park crit, but that turned into talk about how I was feeling and the layers of a giant meltdown began to peal away. I could barely ride my bike the 5 miles home. My body weighed 300 pounds, my heart was heavy, my legs were encased in concrete.

When I got home, the full-on meltdown let loose as I collapsed on my bed. However, as I was bawling my eyes out and gasping for air, an epiphany came to me: these tears were for what I was so desperately afraid of losing with Zack. I realized that I'd been repressing all my feelings and concerns about where we are going together and when we'll finally live in the same city again and WHERE will we live and will I be away from everyone I know or will he elect to move to the mountains or desert and what about my job and when will our life together really begin and I'm tipping the age scales so will I ever be a mom? It all came bubbling out of the fountain of my face. I don't know how the poor guy understood a word I said, but being the Best Boyfriend in the Whole World, he listened and we talked as I mumbled and we talked some more and after a few hours we finally understood more of how much we mean to each other. It felt very, very, very good. I'll be washing the snot out of my pillows for the next month.

The next day, I slept in until 10 a.m., but woke up with more energy than I'd had in a month. I didn't feel any desperation for special tea or mass quantities of iron. I couldn't believe how wonderful I felt, but it shouldn't be that shocking. Stress and depression are the leading causes of disease. I'm glad I worked it out this time. We went out for a fun ride in the rain and I felt GREAT and I began to plan my adventure at Walla Walla this weekend. Game on!!