Blast off

Whew. Made it back to my home planet after spending 3 days on the distant rock where my parents live. It's always very difficult living among them and their people, even for a few days. I am treated like an alien who 1) looks weird (socks have to match? they just keep me warm), 2) eats weird food ("Does anyone want to try her GLOO-ten free pancakes? They taste just like real pancakes."), 3) participates in strange activities (plays in mnts, travels, bike commutes), and 4) does not associate with their native past times (digital television's 500 tv stations, afternoons watching football, wanting to put all prisoners on Alcatraz so they can kill each other and we won't have to pay for their containment, etc.).

I tried to get my faithful rocket ship ready for an emergency early departure, but there were some technical difficulties so I had to wait it out and blast off at the assigned hour.

Highlights: My mom loved her recycled glass tile plant stand that I made her. My dad loved his trove of Smartwool cycling socks. Watching how ridiculously happy dogs are with stuffed toys that squeak. It was sunny. Finally reading Steinbeck's book on King Arthur and his Knights.

(imagination = salvation)

The contents of my backpack

This is one of the stranger collections I've had at one time:

- Sheep's milk feta
- Whole Foods gluten-free pizza crust
- Organic canned tomatoes (yes there is a pattern)
- Phytogen supplements
- Vitamin D supplements
- Bumble & Bumble Creme de Coco shampoo
- An orange
- A grout application stick thingee
- Bottle of silicon grout sealer (aha another pattern)
- 1 Superfeet shoe insole (I couldn't find the other)
- Unused gym clothes because I never got there today
- Lavender oil so I don't stink so bad after (not) going to the gym
- Bike pump
- Flat tire accessories
- 3 vials of drugs that need to be refilled
- Patch from the Gulf of the Farallones
- ID badge from the spill
- Lunch-time tupperware

I'm finally out of work before 8 p.m. so I'm off to fill it up some more with Xmas goodies for a cute boy that I love.

POW-gasmic!

I spent not ONE, but TWO days skiing in major dumpage powder fluff this weekend. On Saturday Zack, Denny, Sketchy, Eric, and I went to Stevens Pass for the season's inagural gear shakedown. The lifts were still closed, but we skinned up a bunch, came down through big poofy batches of powder, and fell a few times in between. It was so silly fun and felt even better to be outside playing in the snow while the rest of the western WA metropolis was drenched in rain, sleet, and even a little snow. YUCK! Rumor is that my team spent the morning riding their bikes on trainers in a parking garage!! WTF??? HELLO! The Great Outdoors are calling!

After such fun Saturday, Zack and I needed more so we drove all the way to Mt. Baker for even more heavy POWage, but this time with the aid of mechanical lifts. It dumped all day during the many runs, and ended with 100 mph winds that shut the lifts down a little early. I was in the lodge by then, my legs wondering what the hell I was doing with them this weekend. Do squats while bouncing along on two planks? Are you NUTS?!?! Have you heard of this invention called a COUCH?

Big props go out to all the adept snowboarders and skiers at Baker who are skilled enough to give a gumby tele-skier like myself a wide, wide berth.

And even bigger thanks to my boyfriend who, despite all the faceplants and uncontrolled left turns I do, continues to be seen with me.

YUM!!

Mountain snow springs eternal

We're going to play in the snow this weekend and I am SO excited to get the heck out of dodge and away from anything with 2 wheels. Funny that I'm already burned out on bikes and I didn't really even have a season, but I find that the mental anguish of being sick doles out its own helping of frustrations and disappointments, especially when you're trying to come back and no where near the level you should be. This winter I promise to be more balanced in my activities to prevent the kind of burnout that comes from focusing so hard on one activity that you forget everything else that has the potential to make you happy: skiing all day in the fresh, clean air; snowshoeing under quiet, gray-cloaked skies; rubbing snow angels into the earth; warm mountain cabins; and building smiling snowmen with mossy beards to greet other hikers along the way.

So tonight I dusted off my favorite tele book to brush up on my skills and visualize smooth, bouncy tele turns and snowy bliss with my fuzzy mountain man. With the newly dumping snow comes a newly rejuvenated me.

3rd Annual Ride for the Pies

mmmmmm.....PIE!!! That's what motivated 7 of us to set off on our bikes under super sunny skies Thanksgiving Day to ride from Seattle to Fall City. I had just arrived from San Francisco that morning and had enough time to eat one of Zack's wonderful omlettes, chug some coffee, and pack my gear for the rest of the day's adventure. Unlike the previous two years' cold rain, this ride was far too easy....dry pavement....brilliant sunshine....until we dropped down Novelty Hill, through a thermocline, and into the Carnation Valley. The late afternoon temperature easily dropped 10 degrees and the frost covering the ground indicated we were in for a bone chilling evening. By the time we hit the Nestle Farms the sun had set, the moon was lighting the valley, and feet and hands were already completely numb. With about 10 miles to go we could only think of mass amounts of pie and a warm fireplace. Onward we rode, increasing our pace to get to the finish faster, but damned by the wind chill that mocked our efforts.

The moon and stars were striking as we made it to Janna's around 5:30 p.m. We thawed out in front of her fireplace and devoured the first pumpkin pie and a few rounds of beer and mulled wine. We later moved on to strawberry/rhubarb, then pecan, then more berry cobbler......mmmm.......can a tradition of riding 48 miles and eating tons of wonderful food get any better?

Today there was more brilliant sunshine, so while Zack hiked up Granite with Denny and Ash, I opted to be the only person to ride all the way back to Seattle. I quickly found out that riding back is way harder, not only because you're tired and loaded down by pecan pie, but because it's a longer grade getting out of the Carnation Valley and it never...ever....ends. Woodinville-Duvall Road? SUCKS. The Burke was a welcome relief as I knew every bump and waypoint, but the last stretch after Matthew's Beach....SUCKS. I swear my body always knows that it's almost done and throws in the towel a little early despite being 10 miles out. I finally pulled into home as the sun was setting, my feet and hands not quite frozen, but my heavy Messquerade sweatshirt never felt so good.

One week of sitting on my butt at an oil spill, the next 2 days riding ~100 miles under beautiful fall skies and getting some color back on my face. Thanksgiving? You bet.

BikeSnobNYC line of the day

"Cinelli have become the bicycle equivalent of a middle-aged divorcee in a Versace dress who drinks too much and starts hanging all over you in a hotel bar."

OUCH. Glad I finally ditched my Cinelli bars and Cinelli-specific stem last year. Wouldn't want to be seen hanging around with a hag like that. But they do still make a damn fine cork tape.

Movin' on up

Today was by far the most cush since I got here 4 days ago. I've been so busy or tired working on the response that I haven't been able to go to a restaurant to sit down for real food for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I've just been snacking on what I stocked up on at Whole Foods Friday night or not eating at all (they don't call it the Oil Spill Diet for nothing). But today, I actually went out to eat with locals, Jesse and Shawna, at a cute little Italian place up the hill from Crissy Field. I was so excited to be sitting down for normal conversation, with non-work people, eating hot food and drinking a glass of wine, that I actually broke my diet and had a piece of chocolate mouse cake. YUM!!!!

Afterwards, I moved into my new hotel at Fisherman's Wharf. Now that the week-long Oracle conference was over, rooms had finally opened in the city close to the command post and we wouldn't have to make the arduous commute from Oakland anymore. I opened the door to my room and - it didn't smell!!! Finally....my clothes wouldn't reek of the stench of a 20-year old smoking room. Instead, my beds were decorated like a fancy, multi-layered cake. I had more pillows than I knew what to do with. Were they like utensils at a fancy dinner party? Do I start with the outside pillow and move in? I wanted to jump up and down on my new, clean beds to break them in and make sure I wasn't dreaming.

I still have some work to finish up, but I can do it in my jammies while watching the flat-screen tv on my cushy down bed. Sad, no TBS or VH-1. The best thing about hotels is the sugar-coated cable tv shows.

My peeps go in front of the congressional hearing tomorrow morning to give testimony about the spill. The public, media, and Belt-Way suits want heads to roll, but it's not going to be our group. We're a fine-tuned, scientific response machine. We kick ass and I'm honored to be part of such an amazing team.

Map madness

I have my spill responder hat on this week down at the oil spill in San Francisco Bay. I'm making all sorts of maps for the responders and scientists assessing the damage to the shorelines and natural resources. Eelgrass, rocky shorelines, sandy beaches, birds, fish, invertebrates, marine mammals, and even historical and cultural resources are all being accounted for and assessed on a daily basis by all the top people. Most of them have been working 14 hour days for over a week and they're pretty whipped. I'm fresh meat, which is a welcome dose of energy to the tired troops. Nothing beats huge welcoming hugs and arms held high in signs of hallelujah from my coworkers and people that I've worked with at other responses.

Not sure how long I'll be down here, probably through TDay, which means I'll miss the 3rd Annual Ride for the Pies. Serious bummer! I also only brought 4 pairs of undies since I got caught off guard coming down here and most of my supply was in the hamper. I figure I can make do with the hotel sink, but in my experience underoos don't dry very well in a hotel room. I needed some new ones anyway so this will be good incentive to go shopping.

The newest Kenny-bot

I'm officially a Kenny-bot now. I signed up to have Kenny Williams hold my leash for the next year to keep me healthy and out of trouble as I ramp up for my first full season in...how long? Oh, 2 years. Jane will be my faithful sidekick as we roll our eyes at yoga and Zone 2 all winter long, then puke over the rail after our Pain Locker track workouts this spring and summer. I have a few specific track racing goals in mind, but for now I told Kenny that my primary goal is to have a full season and to be smart about my training and racing. So I've handed over the leash. So far I'm digging all the wisdom he's shared. He did a fantastic job bringing Jane back after she got sick, and he's dealing with another hot racer with EBV, so the guy has been broken in well. Stay tuned.

It's just a flesh wound

The day I sprained my wrist, Zack and I had planned a day trip to Goldmyer Hot Springs, which would include riding our bikes in 4 miles from the closed gate. Never one to let a silly injury interfere with a hot soak, I used his fabulous K2 suspension mountain bike to negotiate the muddy and gravely road.


My revelations after returning to the car after dark:

1) What's better than coasting? GEARS!!
2) If I can't see what's in front of me, going faster makes it better!
3) Suspension bikes are like riding a bed!!

Fisherman's Terminal 1, Me 0

Last night Zack and I enjoyed dinner and bevs at Brouwers, a chance encounter with 2 teammates, then a trip down the trail to the Ballard Market. On the way I caught a glimpse in my light of something green, black, and woolen on the trail. We circled back and found a pretty sparkly green and black woolen hat alone and lost on the wet trail. Booty!! Once we collected our foodstuff at the store, we came out to find rain and a guy sitting on the hottest DIY bike: an old blue Peugeot frame with an 18" wheel on the back, a 24" wheel on the front, and ape bars about 4' high. He was super nice and from Michigan. He'd lost his old bike and this one came into his life for free. It was such a cute pairing it totally made my night.

Over the Ballard Bridge in the rain. We were heading down the ramp to Fisherman's Terminal when suddenly Zack stopped cold in front of me and all I could do was slam on the brakes, which were useless coated in fresh rain on slick pavement. I swerved around him so not to slam into his rear, but on the other side was met with one of Fisherman's Terminal's finest - a spaced-out bum on a rickety bike going uphill. As I hurled towards him knowing there was no chance of stopping, I prepared myself and thought, "This is gonna hurt."

I plowed into the bum and knocked us around. We ricocheted off each other and the railings on either side that kept us from bouncing into the street. After my abrupt stop, he started apologizing and Zack started scolding him for not looking up or paying attention to who else was on the trail. I didn't really hear what they were saying because I was staring at my left arm, which was quickly seizing up and beginning to throb. The old guy smelled of really bad cologne. I poked at Zack to move him along, away from this useless argument. I walked down the rest of the hill and mounted my bike for the one-handed ride up the other hill home.

After a night of icing and a morning of teammates playing Mom, I went to the Ballard Swedish ER (the ONLY ER you should ever let anyone go to) to get some x-rays. Only an hour later, the doc said it was a bad sprain, but that there was bone and ligament damage from old injuries that would require attention (Oh, you mean from the 2 other times I've fucked up this wrist?). So now I have to see an ortho specialist who may suggest that I have surgery to repair some bone and ligaments, but I really have no interest in this. This wrist has gotten pretty banged up before and it's a matter of letting the swelling go down, taping it up, and wincing a bit when I have to brake hard (enter the fixed gear!!).

For now it's a bag of frozen peas on my arm and a few days of vacation. And being extra wary of bums emanating from Fisherman's Terminal.

Ship go boom

There's a big oil spill down in San Francisco Bay, which many of my coworkers are responding to. A huge container ship hit the Oakland Bay Bridge and tore a 100' gash in its side, which also spilled ~58,000 gallons of IFO 380 (that's the heavy black goo) into the Bay. We just had a huge drill down there last year simulating the response to a similar spill, so the silver lining is that the best possible people are down there doing some very stressful, time-crunching work. As for the public's perception that the Coasties' response was delayed and this spill could have been minimized or contained sooner, BACK OFF. There are issues in determining how much oil a ship has lost when it has a 100' hole in it and when there is a layer of dense fog over the Bay preventing overflights. If you want to bitch, give it to the Responsible Party. The Coasties and everyone else I know who's down there are the best in the business. Our coastlines are in good hands. Now shut up, get in your SUV, drive to the store, and get me a beer.

Photo: Sea star and persistent tar balls at Muir Beach

Ying, yang, and the bang bang

If you're hip to bad cycling movies, you'll know this is a line from one of my favorites, "American Flyers". I introduced my team to the classic one weekend when we were staying up in Sequim for the Tour de Dung series. The tale of the little brother David and nasty skanky Muzzin racing the Coors Classic gave us oodles of props for the next day. "Enough of this Sunday ride, let's hurt a little!"

But today's ying yang has more to do with last week's enormous Full Moon - now waning - wrecking havoc on many people around me, including myself:

- Seattle Int'l Randonneur - Shot with a bb gun on his commute home by some people in a car. Two bullets lodged in his lung and diaphram. In great spirits and doing well.
- Teammate Alyson - Broken elbow, just had surgery, pins in elbow, out for an indeterminate time
- Coworker/officemate/friend - Fired in a big time, 3 day showdown at work. It sucked. I'm still trying to clean her area. It will take a few days. It's mentally exhausting. We're all worried that she's ok, but I don't think we'll hear from her again.
- Friend Randall - T-boned in car by idiot SUV driver running a red light while yapping on a cell phone. Car totaled. Luckily he's ok. Lots of witnesses to pin the bimbo's ass.
- Me - Took an offer to ride Charles' precious, new, 0.38mm thin Columbus steel, Marinoni frame only to accidentally bang and dent the top tube on some pannier racks when trying to put it back. If there is one person in the local cycling scene that you do not want to piss off, it's Charles. If there is one person in the local cycling scene whose precious, new, beloved bike you don't want to fuck up, it's Charles. One word: SUCKSTOBEME

On the good side:
- I'm healthy and doing well
- Everyone else I know is healthy and doing well (get well Alyson!!)
- Due to bullet #3 above, I have some undeniable job security
- I woke up this morning to Momo rolling in a pile of catnip covering my kitchen floor. Little punk had found the bag and had a catnip orgy all night long. Nippers Anonymous arrived by afternoon for an intervention.
- I've lost 5# the past month thanks to eliminating all the major food allergens and all-around bad stuff: wheat, gluten, sugar, soy, corn, potatoes, and dairy. Shooting for another 15 more by March.
- I'm trying to get set up with a great coach to assist in my comeback. If he'd call me back.

Hopefully next Friday's New Moon will set us up for more fortunate events and no more setbacks as the moon waxes towards full. If you can, stay at home in your footie pajamas with some books and a sun lamp and don't come out until next weekend.

A magical weekend down the rabbit hole

25 teams went in, only 1 finished first. I may not have raced much officially this year, but I can end 2007 knowing that our Alice in Wonderland team was crowned this year's Messman's Messquerade winners, the 2nd team to finish in time, and the 1st team to have the most completed 28 (yes that's a hellofalot) checkpoints. Riding home from the after party at 2 a.m. with Zack and Raz, I was still in a haze that it happened at all. Seeing Alice chasing the White Rabbit down Broadway on bikes was one of the best moments ever. Hearing Raz recount his phone call to the wrong number, priceless: "We're golden. I have a bone. [pause]. We're golden! I have a bone!!"

I don't know what was most exciting about the whole weekend:

- Our team's warmup ride and costume shakedown Friday night. Critical Mass took the entire Viaduct from the stadium, went through the Battery Street Tunnel, up 99, then over the Aurora Bridge and into Wallingford. I'm not a huge fan of pissing off motorists, but this was one for the record books. They should shut down the Viaduct one night a month and let everyone walk or bike on it, watch the sun set over the Olympics, and listen to how quiet it is. An experience like that might persuade one or two people to ditch their cars to help make the world a little more quiet. Also, 500 car-free people echoing through the Battery Street tunnel is a beautiful piece of music.

- Well, the race. That we won.

pre-Messquerade excitement

Every year a bunch of us do Messmann's Messquerade race, whereupon a bunch of people adorn Halloweenie costumes, consume much libation, and ride around the city filling out a manifest and racing to the finish. One year extra points were awarded for video of anyone riding the mechanical bull at Cowgirls (check), and last year there were extra points for anyone who brought a real pumpkin to the finish line (check). Two years ago I got the most extra points of anyone because that's where I really met Zack (awwwwwww). That same year I also got to bed around 2 a.m. only to get up 4 hours later to pick up Jane for the Ft. Steilacoom CX race. Completely devoid of sleep and utterly hung over, I still rocked the course on my singlespeed, came back home and passed out, then got a sweet phone call that night from my masked man seeing how I was after 2 races in 12 hours.

This year looks to live up to the same reputation. Seven of us are going as Team Alice in Wonderland. We have Alice (complete with hairy legs, 5 o'clock shadow, and real long blond hair), Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on a tandem, the Mad Hatter, maybe a Cheshire Cat, the Queen of Hearts (yielding a light saber, yo!), and the fastest White Rabbit in town.

I don't have Ft. Steilacoom on the agenda for the next day, just picking up Jane at the airport and waving obnoxious signs to welcome her back to the States after her stellar rookie appearance at Master's World Track Championships in Sydney. I might wear my costume then, too.

Yay!

That's the only way to describe how I feel about today's first team ride. Yay!!! We did 41 miles around Everett and Monroe and Snohomish (how we tied that together I have no idea) and I felt absolutely awesome the whole time. Granted, I wasn't one of the amazons who pulled into the wind for 5 miles, but I rode strong and zippy and never felt like I couldn't keep the pace with the other girls. The curse is broken!! I'm so tempted to go to my favorite CX course, Kelly Creek, tomorrow, but we're going to spend the day riding with our friend who is leaving Seattle for good and riding his bike to Austin, TX. So we'll ride out to Fall City together for one last round of fun, then he's off on the John Wayne Trail headed east and then south into Oregon and other adventures. [edit: Departure postponed a few days. We didn't ride to Fall City to get pie. Long Sunday rides were made for eating pie, dangit.]

I also got a call from Jane last night. She's down in Sydney, Australia, at the Masters World Track Championships. She's talking funny already and having the time of her life. I've never heard someone so utterly happy before. Besides making new friends in the international racing scene, she's already set a PR in the 200 and 500 meter races, and even came in 6th overall in the 500!! Being an unknown has its advantages, like being able to power around 2 Aussies who have completely underestimated your awesomeness. Now it's on to the Scratch and Points races and more kickassness, then some relaxation at the Great Barrier Reef. Eventually, we hope, she'll come back home and share more stories.

2008 is going to be a fantastical season!

Stupid weather

I was going to journey out to Marymoor tonight for the Wed night CX training, but October Storm 2007 rolled in a bit early so my carpoolees and I decided to call it a wash. A night of driving rain and plummeting temperatures while rolling around jarring divots of grass was not high on our list. Plus I've learned that I need to lean towards being conservative when it comes to exposing myself to immune-challenging elements, so I resigned my self to a night on the trainer while watching America's Next Top Model (dude it's my show!).

I was so jazzed all day to get on my cross bike and see how my fitness is doing. I watched a few YouTube videos at work of Pros gliding over barriers like they don't even exist. I visualized my dismounts and remounts, my off-camber lack-of-ability, and general fun playing with my friends. The World's Greatest Boyfriend even helped me prep my bike last night when he noticed how tired I was and couldn't think straight. He put on my smaller chainring, took some links out of the chain, and even fixed my squeaky front brake so I wouldn't be a total gomer at practice. He is a real prince to put up with a frustrated, tired, grumpy girl at 11 o'clock at night.

But the stupid weather intervened and postponed my excitement. It's been raining since...oh I dunno......LAST JUNE. Snow up in the hills though. This rain must be good for something besides salmon. Time to think of the 2-planking kind.

All a-twitter

Heather and I owe the bike goddesses many bouquets of flowers because yesterday we did the Kitsap Color Classic fun ride despite tales of rainy armageddon from local weathermen. Turns out that we only got a slight misting in one section and counted 1...2..3..4...5(!) rainbows! It was a really fun day when it felt so good riding just for the heck of it and not worrying about keeping up with anyone. After the first 2 miles of weaving through the phreds, we found ourselves on our own with just the colorful trees, random cows and horses, and spectacularly formed gray clouds above. There were plenty of big hills that felt REALLY good to power up. Yes - power up. I find myself getting my power back slowly but steadily. We did about 38 miles, which was the furthest I've ridden since my last race at Tour de Dung on April 1. Today I think I can say, "I'm coming back."

With that going through my veins, I'm checking out all the pictures from cross races this past weekend. Down in Portland it was their first Cross Crusade race with over 1000 racers! I am jonsin' so hard to do a race that my foot is tap-tap-tappin' away at the thought. Now I'm thinking it could be quite possible to sneak a few in at the end of the season. Drive and determination can take you so far!

A few of my favorite snaps from yesterday's Cross Crusade, from BikePortland.org:




Yup that pretty much sums up why I love cross so much.

Stupid labs, part 2

I've found that having a slight meltdown on the phone with both of your doctors will do wonders in having them jump and find the answers the quell your fear. When I first talked to Peter he said not to pay attention to the high lab numbers and "it could be worse", which is the LAST THING to tell a patient when she thinks she'll be relegated to the couch for the rest of her life. I faxed him the labs and he passed them around the office. He called 2 hours later with the CDC website in front on him explaining what everything meant. Essentially, 3 of the lab numbers have gone down, which is good, and I can ignore the number that went up because the CDC says to ignore it (and I paid for this test because????). My numbers are so high because I've had such a severe case and they actually are evidence that something happened in the past, not right now, and it could take years for the numbers to go down to normal. Peter likened it to dead soldiers on a battlefield. Just because they're all around doesn't mean the fight is still on. He managed to talk me off the cliff with that one.

In the meantime I had left a panicked message with my other doctor. It took her almost 30 hours to get back to me, in which time I figured she realized I'm a kook and had her number changed. Finally her assistant called and put me at ease by saying she had good news and was going to make me feel better. She had the same message as Peter, that the numbers were actually good and not an indication of a current infection. My body was doing very well and healing.

So with this info I'm slightly more encouraged to order our new kit for 2008, although I'm skeptical of how the designs will turn out. Polka dots? Oh please kill me! Some of us will never be climbers, dude. Give me solid black wool and I'll be happy. A skinsuit out of black wool? Ok maybe not. Just give me something to make me look fast.

I am annoyed

I got my labs back from my latest EBV tests. I was expecting my numbers to continue their positive trend south, which would be a expected with all the dragon poo I've been drinking and sitting on my ass the past 6 months. But no. My Nuclear Ab numbers went UP. I was 647 in June and now I'm at 1001. Normals are <100. My highest last year was 1736 when I was really on my ass. I was shooting for sub-300 so I'm a little numb with shock and a fair dose of denial. I'll call Dr. Peter tomorrow and see what he says, but I think his bag of tricks is pretty empty. I've been feeling rather excellent and have begun the arduous phase of getting my cardio back, but if my numbers are so screwed I'll never know if I'm getting sick again until it's too late. If you can't count on data to tell you how your health is then what is there?

I had started a cleansing diet this week to try and reboot my system after all the crap it's been through the past 6 months, esp in anticipation of my new "better" numbers. But now those bottles of wine are looking mighty tasty.

Stupid dumb body health stuff. Leave me alone!!!!!!!!

-----------------

Ok after a short pity party, I found some inspiring information about athletes with chronic fatigue syndrome. It turns out that US Women's Soccer Team star Michele Akers has suffered with it for years, but managed to control it enough to stay at her elite level before retiring. Says she:

"It's taken me three years to get back. When I first decided to take six months off and tried training again, I was in the weight room, like, 15 minutes, and then I could go on a five-minute walk/ jog. It's taken me three years to get my body back.....I never know who is going to show up on the field, who I'm going to be from day to day. So to hear my coach say today that he's so proud of me, that they need me on the field to win, was good. I disappoint myself so much because I know what kind of player I can be. But I've learned I can contribute in spite of [limitations on] my playing ability."

Maybe all is not lost. Rest, recouperate, moderation, keep playing. I can do that.