They gave me decaf

This foul, grumpy mood brought to you by the fucker who gave me decaf for my afternoon medication: You fucking suck shit. I wasn't born fucking yesterday. I know what decaf will do to me. Witness:

- To the fucker with the 3000 watt light riding up my ass on the way home tonight: You fucking suck shit. 1) Get the fuck off my slow ass. My knee hurts and I don't appreciate being blinded from behind and being forced to stare at my shadow instead of the fucking bike trail. 2) Get over yourself and learn how to ride at night with lower wattage. The lighthouse on your handlebars will do nothing to increase the size of your dick.

- To the slow artsy fucking chick taking her time in the middle of the bike trail: Move the fuck over and get out of the way of riders who actually fucking ride. Your thrift store outfit will not make me think twice about knocking you over.

- To the fucking jackass son of a bitch who is stalking my friend at the Emerald City Cyclocross series: You fucking suck shit. If you fucking dare pull that shit on her again this Sunday I will come at you with my fucking pedal wrench and send you back to fucking Jesus. When a woman doesn't give you her fucking phone number it does NOT give you the right to look up her name in the standings and Google her and find her phone number and call every half hour and leave her paralyzed with fear in the only place she thought she was safe. It does not give you the right to lurk and trail her at a cyclocross race where she should be strong and free of low life scum shitheads like yourself. I fucking dare you to come within 100 feet of her. Make my fucking day shithead.

- To the people who are so self-serving and narcissistic that they cannot live without causing pain in other people's lives: You fucking suck shit. May you eat a huge serving of humble pie and know what pain and suffering are. Oh wait - you are in pain and suffering. Thanks for projecting it onto the rest of the world who tries to love you.

- To the fucking creep at our cafeteria at work who had the gall to use email to ask me out: You fucking suck shit. I did not give you my email to take advantage of me. I was nice and said you could send me some Katrina photos that your family took along the Gulf. I did not fucking invite you into my life. Get a fucking PhD and know how to make love to a bike and meet the Dalai Lama and maybe you'll get a fucking hall pass. Oh wait - you never will! So get the hell out of my life and don't fucking serve me decaf ever again.

- To those who have the dignity to treat a chick with respect, intelligence, a smattering of hotness and treat her bike like a princess: You fucking rock. Let's go to Tibet.